savior_n_black | Relationship Steps Part Deux|| ilpromenade; NSFW, ANGST, AND BOY

Relationship Steps Part Deux|| ilpromenade; NSFW, ANGST, AND BOY

[ Okay, this was getting almost surreal. Lior gone? She'd been here since the first day both her, Ichigo, Stark, and the rest of them had been. Sure lots of people had come, and gone since then, but...not Lior. She was always there with a disarming smile.
So yes. Ichigo was upset. Maybe really upset. Not that she was gone, or anything, though, because in the end, that's what they all wanted. He was pissed off because Veles implied she'd have to come back. And do it after years of being on her own.

Escape was never the issue. Being powerless was.

So, it's not too much of a surprise that Ichigo was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that even though he cut in to keep Shiro from snarling at Tavros for information, he didn't think much about how the hollow might handle this.

Seeing Shiro display...well, sorrow. Loneliness, even. It was a shock. Ichigo had seen other sides to Shiro in the time the hollow had been out, but...never an actual, visual, emotional response of this magnitude. Not to anyone!

He had to figure this out.

So, without warning, and thinking it was dumb to call each other when they weren't that far away, he got up from his desk, and went looking for said hollow. ]

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[Shiro was in his own place of solace, in the inner sanctum, dangling his feet in the glowing water. He had been just outside the clinic until about five minutes ago, but now he needed the peace of his personal place.

Where Ichigo hid everything, Shiro had no choice but to show his feelings. Many of his emotions were worn right on his sleeve. He was sad. He was hurt. Hurt that Veles didn't tell them, sad that Lior had left... jealous and powerless. All of those things.

He hated this place. So he just stares at his clawed feet in the water, tail trailing into it slightly as well and long white hair falling over his shoulders and back like the water down the rocks.]

[ It's never been particularly difficult to track down Shiro, or anything, but...well...Ichigo doesn't know what to do with these sorts of emotions on his own.
But, if Shiro really was feeling hurt, and sad, Ichigo needed to see it to believe it. Somehow, that kind of emotional depth...well, he wouldn't have thought it was possible.

Hands jammed in his pockets, Ichigo sighed, and strolled through each of the successive antechambers....all the way back to the one with the glowing water.
Shiro looked so...beaten. Feeling a chill, Ichigo ruthlessly shoved it away, toed off his sneakers, then ditched his socks, and jumped the short distance between ledge, and the island Shiro was sitting on.

....Yeah, no idea what to do. So strolling to the edge of Shiro's ledge, and crouching down to idly wave one hand through the water, too. ]

...She's gonna be back, man.

[The Hollow was a receptacle for all the things Ichigo didn't want, couldn't deal with. It made him just as deep as Ichigo, if not deeper. Together they made a whole soul, but just because they were two parts didn't mean the Hollow wasn't somewhat complete on his own.

Shiro only looks up for a moment, training his visible glowing eye on his visitor, the other hidden by his hair, before looking back down in the water.]

I know.

[Veles probably knew, after all.]

[ Ichigo frowned harder, trying not to stare, but unable to stop himself. Even with the black, and gold eye peering out at him, that look was so startlingly human, something clenched up between Ichigo's heart, and stomach.

...Maybe....just maybe...Shiro could learn emotions.

Maybe. No, can't think like that right now! Instead, Ichigo flicked a few drops of water at the hollow. ]

What are you so sad about then?

[Most of the time Shiro looked like a predator. A madman. Eyes wide, pupils small and focused, wild. An animal in human skin. But other times, in quiet times, when only Ichigo or no one could see, those eyes became human. Strange liquid gold, but deeply emotional.

Deeply feeling.

He growls and shows his teeth to Ichigo for the little splashes, flicking the submerged end of his tail in irritation]

Oi!! Who said I was sad! I'm not sad. I'm not anything.

Yeah you are. That's what that is right now - sadness.

[ Wiping his cheek off, Ichigo is talking as calmly as if he were discussing the weather. He knew very well that Shiro viewed a more human emotional spectrum as weak. But, whether he liked it or not, he was going to have to deal with this, too. ]

...

I don't like it.

[Emotions could be powerful, but for the most part? They made you weak. They dulled your senses, your energy. Especially ones like... sadness. Hurt.]

It's just... Krypta just left and came back. She wasn't gone long, but so much bad shit happened. What if bad shit happened to Lior? What if she's different?

[What if she doesn't need us.]

If she is, then...well, that's kind of the way life goes.

[ Ichigo frowns, but he's pointedly not dropping his gaze. ]

You know she's older than both of us, right? Whatever she has to do, well...she had to grow up some time, Shiro. It doesn't matter, though. Because it's still Lioriley. Still my friend - and yours. No matter how strong she might get.

[ Then we'll walk beside her, whether she likes it or not. ]

But it's not fair.

[Shiro does drop his eyes, kicking his feet in the water lightly]

... It was nice to be needed.

[he just sighs and wraps his arms around himself. It wasn't fair. Why did she get to go home? Why did she have to grow up? He didn't want her to. He wanted to leave... and yet he didn't. Too many conflicting emotions, and they made him angry. With a feral, dual-voiced growl, he slashes at the water with his claws] Hrragh!! Shut up! I don't want to hear it!

None of this is fair.

[ Just sometimes, it was stunning how child-like Shiro could become. Ichigo's scowl tightened down, and he forcibly shoves against the inside of Shiro's shoulder, making the hollow face him, even if he was curled into a ball. ]

What the fuck are you talking about " it was nice"?!
You're seriously going to sit there, and tell me you think because Lior went home for a little while you're no longer needed?!

[Really, you should quit being surprised, Ichigo. Shiro is just as unpredictable as the weather. His unpredictability was the only constant.]

Because if she's strong when she gets back, she doesn't need us! We're just friends, and that's worthless! I don't know if you NOTICED, but I'm not particularly good at being a friend! I'm good at fighting! I'm good at protecting!

[Self worth issues. Those are new.] How can you not get it.

Oh I get it just fine.

[ Because Shiro is crazy, and unpredictable, and that's exactly why Ichigo is still shocked by things he says, and does from time to time.
But this time? It's how human, and insecure Shiro sounded. It pissed him off somehow. He wasn't even trying to diagnose why it did, it just did. And, in that burning bolt of anger, he hauls off, and punches Shiro. ]

You idiot! You are what you are, and since YOU don't seem to notice there's not fucking manual for this shit! You are Lior's friend, even Madsen, and Krypta's too! You're Ace's friend, and Yako-chan, and everyone else you've met here!

You're needed right here, right now. And so help me if you ever say you're not again, I'll beat the shit out of you myself!

[Shiro snarls in response, quickly scrabbling onto all fours and leaping to the opposite "shore", crouched with his head low and tail up and lashing. A very bestial pose. Not aggressive, but defensive. He wipes where he was punched, eyes burning with fury]

I'm NOT! I'm not a friend! I'm an accessory! I'm no good, Ichigo, and you know it! Don't tell me lies to make me feel better. I don't need it. I don't want it!

[he lowers his head, anger leaking out a little]

I'm not like the rest of you. I'm just not.

Oh, so I'm a liar now? What happened to all that bullshit about how well you know me, about instinct, and strength?

[ Blurring from the little island to the "shore" he stands tall, even going so far as to look down on Shiro right now. ]

...Because you sure sound like you're whining about giving up to me.

Tch... [still trying to put on his tough face, Shiro scowls up at Ichigo from under pools of his long white hair, eyes dark] I do know you better than anyone.

[Even better than I know myself.]

Instinct is worthless in this situation. Nothing I know helps me.

I'm not giving up. I just can't be somethin' I'm not. Don't fucking put words in my mouth. I... Just...

[crack.]

I don't...

[shatter.]

I don't know what to do!

Edited 2011-08-28 06:04 (UTC)

[ ...Cue tense silence. One that sort of seems to drag longer than it really is. Then, Ichigo sighs, and shakes his head.

And without warning, drops to kneel, and set a hand on Shiro's shoulder. ]

Welcome to being your own person. That's part of what goes with having a name, knowing freedom.

Sometimes, you don't know what to do.

[ Is that a hint at a smile? POSSIBLY. ]

...So you learn.

[The silence is deep, even though there are noises; Shiro breathing through his teeth in a hiss, his claws scraping on the stone and leaving marks, the water trickling and dripping into the cave...

When Ichigo touches him, he tenses up under him.]

... Tch. Yer no help at all. [Why don't you have a magic bullet for this one?] I don't like it. It makes me feel powerless. I hate feeling that way... it would be easier if I were still inside.

Being your own person isn't all good. Sometimes bad things happen, but you deal with it. You do what you've got to do to learn how to be a good person.

[ Without missing a beat, and working really really hard at keeping his thoughts, and emotional responses to himself; ]

Is being back inside what you really want?

[ Answer honestly Shiro. ]

... I thought it would be easy. Everyone else does it. If they could do it, why... can't I?

[he goes silent, dead silent. No breathing, no movements, nothing.

It was easier back inside. Safer. Comfortable. He knew his environment, and how to control it. He could do his job. He was always there. None of that sneaking off shit that Ichigo seemed to have gotten so fond of. He only had to fight and protect. It's all he knew... so was the grass really greener over here?]

....

[he shakes his head, slowly, then rapidly, sending his hair askew. Despite everything, yes. He liked being outside. Being able to smell and taste and touch and feel. Being able to experience the world without the red lenses of fury, the singlemindedness of his instinct blurring everything that wasn't his opponent. It was harder, but it was better]

Edited 2011-08-28 06:39 (UTC)

I don't know where the hell you got that idea, but being a good person is really hard sometimes.

[ The head-shaking just gets a frown, and Ichigo still tightly keeping control over himself ( see he has learned ) but after Shiro slows to a stop, he raises his other hand to put one on each of Shiro's shoulders, pushing a little to make the hollow look at him. ]

...But if this, being outside, is what you really want, then say it.

[Because humans are stupid, Ichigo. Dumb as rocks, 99% of them. And yet they manage to survive in the outside world... how? What did they know that he didn't?]

[the other hand gets a growl, though it evens out to something of a whine. The ball of Hollow unfolds, but the only way Ichigo is going to see Shiro's eyes is through their reflection in the water; his eyes are still turned down]

I'm not sure. All I know is that I can't go back and expect it to be the same, cause it wouldn't be. Sometimes I miss it... not how it was, but how I was. Bein' with you all the time. I liked that. ... But if I went back, now, it wouldn't be enough. Heh... [he closes his eyes] I know too much, now.

[ ...Well that did it. Up until now, Ichigo had been doing well with keeping his thoughts, and reactions to himself. He didn't want anything he thought to influence Shiro's decision ( and when did they become two distinct entities, no one remembers ) so he did his level best not to let anything get through. But that, so lost sounding, and so fucking familiar coming out of someone with his face...well. Like a dam breaking, it's a big rush of empathy, relief, concern, fear, and above it all? Faith.
Faith, and trust. Which is strange, considering their situation, but even OTHER PEOPLE had noticed how far Shiro has come. He's an immature, power-crazy, gluttonous brat at times to be sure...but sometimes he's the best, most loyal friend, too. The one that you are glad is on your side, because he's a fucking beast, with power in spades, and no qualms about using it.

Ichigo's hands tighten in the fabric under them, but he doesn't actually say anything. Because for better, or worse, he's more restrictive with himself than Shiro is. He doesn't know how to put any of it into words, and it all sounds stupid. But it's true. Sighing, he lets his head hang too, just so he can see Shiro's eyes in the reflection of the water.

You turned bitterest hatred into love, Shiro. If you can do that, being human is a piece of cake. ]

[Shiro would realize it later, when he thought about it, how what he said mirrored what Ichigo felt. When he stepped out of the realm of the living and into the world of Shinigami and Hollows. How he'd gained the power to be the Savior of worlds... or the Destroyer. Going back to what was "normal" would be empty.

It felt good to get it off his chest. The hole felt a little lighter, less leaden. It was nice to be needed, to be trusted, to be wanted. That wasn't something he could have gotten from the inside. Not so quickly.

In an instant, he turns, throwing his arms around Ichigo and burying his face in his other's chest.

This. Being in Ichigo's soul was one thing. Even though it was so close, it wasn't touching. There was never any touching. No real contact. This is what made it worthwhile. Body to body contact. Heat and breath and life and the warm comfort.

He lifts his head a bit so that his voice isn't muffled]

... if we go home, I have to go back inside, don't I?

[ Hurf. Smooshed. It actually knocks Ichigo off being balanced on the balls of his feet to landing half-sprawled with Shiro attached to his chest, burrowing.
Out of reflex, mostly, Ichigo clung to the cloth under his hands to begin with, and he was about to fuss at Shiro for tackling him--

...But all that died in his throat when Shiro pinned him with the ghostly, but hurt looking black, and gold eyes.
Ichigo opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. So he frowned hard, and just ran a hand through Shiro's hair.
It felt nice. It did feel nice to have someone who knew him inside and out, someone he could always rely on, and someone who - just once in a while - saved him. ]

Yeah...you do.

[ His expression pulls back down into a determined scowl. ]

But only long enough to do what we need to do. Then, I promise, I'll find a way to make it better. Better for you, and Zangetsu, and...and I don't know how, but I'll do it.

I swear.

[yeah, hope you don't need your lungs for breathing, Ichigo. Cause uhm, squish. Just to make sure you're there. That he himself is there. Though he keeps them both up straight, instead of putting his entire weight on the orange-headed twin.

Shiro buries his hurt eyes again, just so Ichigo can't see the disappointment. He knew they had a job to do. An important one. And he knew they couldn't do it like this. They had to be together. A triangle is the strongest shape, after all.

But that didn't mean he had to be happy about it.]

... if you say you'll find a way, then you will. Maybe I could be outside there sometimes, too.

[so they could do things like this. Hug and touch and make love. And other things, like have dinner, and joke, and play games... he could meet his own sisters and give that Goatchin a piece of his mind. A life of his own, but still close to Ichigo. It's what he wanted.]

[ No, Shiro. Ichigo needs his lungs. Air is good. But, being squeezed hard enough for it to hurt a little is sort of a reassurance for Ichigo, too. No one else could do this to him - hell, next to none of his friends could even deal with his bankai alone!
Shiro was his negative, his opposite, lover, and maybe only equal. Without thinking about it, Ichigo used the handhold in Shiro's hair to drag the hollow up, and force a kiss on him. It's a little strange, but intimacy, and physicality are tangled up for such an emotional mess as Ichigo. He can't say what he wants to, he never knows how, so he shows the only way he can think of. The way Shiro taught him to do.

I'll help you. I promise. ]

[Oh. Well. Loosening up a little then. But just enough for Ichigo to be able to breathe. Any more and Shiro feels like he'd slip away. Really, Shiro was the only one who could take everything Ichigo had to give. The pain and the pleasure. Took it and took it happily, and gave it back in turn.

The fingers feel good on his scalp, his long hair falling over both of them as their lips touch and they connect. Actions speak so much louder than words. Words had finesse, and tact, but action had power. It helped that the pair of them could communicate wordlessly, of course, but their lips, quivering and warm against each other, did most of the talking.

I know you will. I trust you.

Because even when they did go home (when, not if), they would do their job. They would win. And then? Ichigo would find a way for them to be together like this again.]

[ Ichigo may not be an excellent kisser, but knows by now what Shiro likes and makes every effort to tease him, tongues wrestling through a thick groan before his own retreats, barely nipping with blunt, human teeth here and there, sinking back into another deep kiss with already sticky lips.

Parting his legs, he pulls a pair of hips into place and furls both arms, and legs around Shiro almost desperately. Here, and real, and mine, mine, mine.

The rough stone floor didn't matter. The way Ichigo's conflicting emotions bled into the storm of his reiatsu, nothing. It's as if he can feel the empty ache in that lack of a heart next to his own, but that might just be Shiro's laden breathing. Outright clinging fiercely, he keeps the kiss alive with unexpected licks, a hand running up a spine to the nape of a neck to hold a handful of Shiro's hair firmly in place for an admirably thorough, if a little messy kiss. ]

[both of them were pretty shit at it, really. They knew what the other liked, and that was about it. For each other, they didn't need to be anything but sloppy and needful, full of tongue and teeth. Shiro's teeth more easily slice into Ichigo's lips, sucking the blood and healing it back up with a quick infusion of his regenerative reiatsu. He'd gotten good at seamlessly integrating his aura, and removing it before it could give Ichigo a sick feeling.

Wrapping his arms, legs, and tail around Ichigo, he lets out a bit of a moan and breaks off the kiss to snuffle in Ichigo's hair. Love, today, more than lust. As close to love as the Hollow could get. But he learned, he learned emotions and picked up new ones. Maybe he could be capable of real love. Just maybe. After all, the Hollow didn't need a heart. He had Ichigo, and Ichigo's heart was strong enough for the pair of them.

The kiss comes back and Shiro sighs again into his other's lips, all tongue and mixed spit. Messy boy kisses that weren't pretty, but they got the job done.]

[ In a dim corner of Ichigo's mind, he knows this is all about comfort and familiarity after having been so soon raked over the emotional coals, but it's also about simply making each of them feel good, loving to touch and be touched in return. They know each other inside-out and don't have any secrets to hide, a wonderful thing in Ichigo's inexperienced estimation.

Rocking together, he loses himself in Shiro's kiss, taking it slowly and memorizing every tiny detail. Ichigo draws in Shiro's scent, feeling his taste as they kiss. This was true intimacy, and though tangled a bit with feeling warm, and hungrily aroused, sex was not the first thing Ichigo was thinking about.
Though the attempt at swallowing little whimpers at being bitten was pathetic, Ichigo was trying to be quiet.
All that really mattered, though, was touching, and being close, and giving Shiro comfort in the only form that either of them could seem to accept from the other. ]

[Wonderful? Yeah. Also refreshing. Ichigo kept secrets from everyone, his innermost feelings always hidden away from almost everyone. It had to be... well, nice to let it out every once in a while. Besides, there was no hiding anything from Shiro, and Shiro had no way to hide things from Ichigo. It was pure and it was open and that was all they needed.

Shiro thought about sex a lot, unsurprisingly. Even more often when he was with Ichigo. He was the Id, the receptacle for all that Ichigo forsook. Sex being number one among those things. But even now, here, he wasn't thinking too much about it. It was more about figuring out these emotiony things. Had he always had them, and never had use for them? Or did they just appear? If so, then where did they come from? Why?

Shiro purrs into Ichigo's lips, then parts them, humming thoughtfully.]

... This floor is cold. [he looks up into Ichigo's eyes, no longer looking as sad or hurt... but no less human than before] Can we go to the bed?

[ Have a chagrined ( and very blushy ) scowl, Shiro. ]

You could have thought of that before you pounced on me, you know.

[ He's not serious in the least, though. Just token bickering. With a sigh, and nuzzling his way behind a white ear, Ichigo wrapped his legs around Shiro's waist, and arms around shoulders.

Yes. I'd like a bed with that. ]

[Shiro just rolls his eyes] I could've, but I didn'.

[oh so that's how it's going to be huh. HE has to do all the carrying. Damn that horse metaphor, always coming back to bite him in the ass. He huffs and picks Ichigo up, which isn't too hard since Ichigo is wrapped around him like a barnacle. He plods to the bedroom cavern, claws clicking on the stone and echoing off the walls.

Plop. Dropping Ichigo on the bed rather unceremoniously]

[ You're the one that started that, Shiro. You've got no one to blame but yourself.
Still, flopping across the bed, and streeeeetching ouuut.

Even going so far as to roll onto his stomach, and steal one of those ever-present pillows. Ha-HA! See, he can tease too ( only not really because he's bad at making up these sorts of games ) ]

Why don't you have a proper bed? You've just got...I don't know, a pile.

[Nu uh. YOU'RE the one who barged in here and made with all the... emotional... stuff. Which Shiro still isn't sure he's ok with. He still doesn't know how to deal with any of it. He doesn't want to, so he'll just do what he always does; cross that bridge when he comes to it.

Then possibly burn it.

Shiro flops next to him on his stomach, tail flopping off the side of the bed. The attempt at teasing is lost on him since, lol, there's like 25 pillows here, man.]

There is a proper bed under here! Just... lots of pillows.

[he digs down through the pillows, pushing them aside. Look. See? A bed! Pillow top and all] I like ta sleep with lots of stuff around me. Like a nest.

[ Who made the horse and rider analogy Shiro? Whoooo?

...Have one of those pillows chucked at your face. ]

Is that why you keep dragging socks, and those shiny rocks Ace found into my bed?

[ You, and your hoard. Honestly. ]

[sob. it was me. v_v NEVER LIVING THAT DOWN, AM I.

Bwahd! He catches it and then hits Ichigo with it]

Tch! Maybe! I like to sleep with my stuff around! Is that too much to ask? Deal with it. At least I don't drag my bone collection into your bed, hehehe.

[he loves his shinies, ok. Shiro purrs and curls up to Ichigo]

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